Infertility

I never imagined that I would ever have to endure such a horrible battle with infertility.  I was aware of other people having to go through it but until I experienced years of failure and then four miscarriages I had no idea how painful and isolating the whole journey would be.  Or that it would make me become so angry and bitter and at times so depressed that I just wanted to kill myself.

On a good day, I barely think about the miscarriages, I may have a fleeting moment when I remember what happened and there is a twinge of pain and perhaps a few tears and I acknowledge it then move on.  On a bad day I have horrible flashbacks and I get so angry and wonder why the fuck it had to happen to me when there are women who abuse their kids or abuse their bodies with alcohol or drugs, yet they don't lose their pregnancies. 

When my pregnant Facebook "friends" moaning about being "over it" or ask jokingly if anyone would like to adopt their tantrum throwing toddler (what the??) or just whinge about the most trivial little things, it's like a knife in the guts.  Many of these "friends" have endured infertility themselves but have eventually succeeded in having children and they have expressed their anger at other women who say stuff like they are "over it", only to then do it themselves.  I supported many of them through their journeys so it really upsets me that they move on and forget about those of us who read their flippant remarks and feel the knife drive in a bit deeper.

When I had my first miscarriage, I vowed to myself that I wouldn't become one of those angry and bitter women who couldn't be happy for other people when they got their baby in the end.  I couldn't understand why those women were the way they were but eventually it happened to me too.  With each miscarriage I endured, I became angrier and more resentful so that after a while it just became easier to cope.

I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy without the fear of another miscarriage.  Even now when I think about the possibility of carrying a baby to term I can't help but imagine that something horrible will happen because history has shown me that something horrible always does happen eventually.

I hate what infertility has done to my head and my heart.  If I knew what a torturous, painful journey it would become, I would never have allowed myself to want children.  This is probably the most agonizing thing I have ever experienced, far beyond any illness or heartbreaking relationship I've had in my life.