Humiliation

On my spiritual journey I have followed the work of Caroline Myss for a couple of years.  Her work is very in-depth and is too much for me to digest but occasionally I strike gold with something.

Today I was listening to a radio interview and Caroline mentioned how humiliation is the number one fear in human beings.  We all fear humiliation whether we choose to believe that or not.  Public speaking is a perfect example of a situation that strikes the fear of humiliation in many.  I can think of many instances in my life when I felt humiliated, it's not easy to forget.  Many times I have been frozen with fear or I completely avoided certain situations so that I wouldn't have to risk feeling humiliation.

I can see how humiliation has flicked on my FAT switch, I have become so terrified of being stared at, judged, scorned, laughed at.  Fat is my protection even though it is probably the fat that attracts all the humiliating circumstances and events in the first place.

My earliest recollection of humiliation is at my friend Danny's house, he and I went to the same school and were in the same class.  We were drawing pictures one day, I think I was trying to draw a person but to be honest I have never been good at drawing or painting.  I made such a mess of this particular drawing that I tried to hide my work but Danny insisted that I show it to him.  I even tried to run out of his house and go home to avoid him seeing what I had drawn but he was stronger than I and managed to wrestle the piece of paper off me.  We must have only been about 8 or 9 years old but I can still remember it and still feel the heat of humiliation and anger burning within me.

My father humiliated me by looking at me with scorn and disapproval.

My high school biology teacher humiliated me because I got an answer wrong in a test and she read the answer out to the class for everyone to have a laugh and turn and stare at me.

My 3rd grade teacher drew attention to my weight which attracted teasing from a boy in my class.

I hate criticism from others and I can see how all these incidents of humiliation over the years have moulded my emotional maturity.  I have a short temper and don't tolerate people telling me that I am wrong or pointing out my shortcomings, faults or inadequacies.  And it's probably why I am so quick to point them out in others at times, it's my inner child lashing out.  If she is going to be humiliated then what is her defense but to humiliate others and make them feel the embarrassment and shame that she does.

These days I feel so much shame about my body shape that I am always trying to cover it up in public.  Winter is my favourite season because I can layer up, wear coats and scarves and not worry so much about how other people see me.  I hate warm days because it means I can't wear a jacket that will hide the unwanted lumps and rolls of fat.  Today, for instance, I walked down the high street to do some shopping but I constantly checked my reflection in shop windows and tried so hard to keep my abs tight so that my top wouldn't cling to the spare tyres.  I was completely aware of how tense I felt as I walked along, I was sure everyone was staring at me as I passed by.  Why do their opinions about my appearance matter so much to me???