The death of a dream

Christmas is always focused on happy families and children, but for many infertile people it is a painful time and a constant reminder of their childlessness.  Marketing for occasions like birthdays and Christmas is always geared toward advertising showing excited children tearing open their presents and throwing their arms around their parents, or being cosied up on the sofa reading a book or sharing something special and magical, the image they portray always excludes anyone who can't have kids.

The guest on this video speaks of infertility so eloquently.  Not so sure I agree with her views on being totally dependent on god, but hey...  each to their own. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rma1bR9_1HE


I cried when she described her inability to bear children as the "death of a dream". For every miscarriage that I have experienced, it has been the death of a dream and I will always feel the loss of not knowing what each of those little babies would have looked like or the personalities they would have had, or the goodness that they would have been able to bestow to the world.

Thinking of all you beautiful women out there who are without a precious little life to hold this Christmas.

Take care xo

Very disappointing

A few days ago I sent a question to Jon Gabriel about DIM and excess oestrogen, adding in my PCOS diagnosis and fertility issues and how I wanted to know the best way to address this with diet.  I got an email from admin saying that this would be better discussed over the phone with Jon and that they would book me in for a 1 hr phone call.

Elated, I armed and prepared myself with some really good questions about oestrogen that I thought Jon would be able to shed some light on.

This morning I waited for his call, feeling nervous but excited to be able to speak to him directly.  I was really looking forward to the 1 hour call and expected to get alot out of it.

So Jon called and asked what he could do for me.  Huh?  I thought you knew why you were calling me, didn't your staff tell you?  I was a bit taken aback and my throat went dry as I tried (through the haze of sleepiness - I had woken up only 15 minutes before he called) to explain my understanding of DIM, Indol-3-Carbinol, good vs bad oestrogen, PCOS etc.

Given Jon's extensive background in biochemistry and the thousands of research papers he has apparently studied, I thought he would know a heck of alot about something as prevalent as oestrogen.  But all he did was refer me to the Dr Howard Liebowitz show and told me to contact him to ask about it all.

Jon then asked me about how much weight I wanted to lose, when I really started to gain, what happened around that time that could have caused it.  Having given it all alot of deep thought for months now, I haven't been able to come up with anything significant other than when I started taking the Pill - that enough is a stress on the body, so I can pretty much blame that for the rapid weight gain.

Jon also asked me if I had kids, I told him that I have had 4 miscarriages in the last 5 years.  Again, I felt that he didn't seem concerned or think it relevant at all.

So my anticipation of a one hour call was brought to an abrupt end after 14 minutes.

Wha? 

Is that it?

I sat there in stunned silence, feeling ripped off.  I know Jon is a busy guy but I also know from his podcasts and from personal calls he has made to other GMers that he has given more of his time and energy to their particular situation. 

So did I not ask the right questions?  Or does he think I'm just a lost cause?

PCOS

I resent having PCOS.

I resent feeling like a freak because I have facial hair.

I resent having a body that refuses to produce a baby, no matter how hard I try to lose weight.

I'm trying to dig deep and resolve the anger I have stored up but while I consider my body to be fucked up and useless, I can't see how I'm going to resolve anything.  Nothing will be resolved until I can prove to myself that I am fertile and that I can produce children. I know it's not fair to take it out on every pregnant woman I see but I just don't know how I'm meant to be handling the unfairness of it all.


There is no simple answer, no magic pill or words of wisdom to make it all go away.  It is my journey and my pain, I have to endure it the only way I know how.

Sometimes I post on a PCOS forum and today I saw a post from a woman who believes that she has been cured of PCOS after visiting some kind of natural medicine practitioner, I think it was a naturopath but I can't be sure.  The first person who replied gave her the "PCOS is hereditary" type of spiel and I got really angry.  That is really unfair!  But I suppose that is the mentality that we have all been brainwashed with, that we are all victims of our genetic blueprint and we've just gotta suck it up and deal with it.  So I posted a reply supporting the woman who believes she is cured. 

And then it got me thinking about how I see my own body, in particular my ovaries and uterus, as being a failure.  Five years ago I didn't see myself that way, it is only because of my PCOS and multiple miscarriages that I now do.

I came up with a lovely visualization yesterday that I am using to picture myself in my new body, so I suppose I could create a visualization of my ovaries and uterus being free of PCOS (and Endo).

I feel sick

I just found out, via Facebook of all places, that my supposed best friend is 7 weeks pregnant.  I say supposed, because I found this out on a public forum rather than being told in person.  I thought she would have the guts to tell me before I discovered this for myself.

It is such a kick in the teeth, not just to find out that way, but because she conceived less than two months after getting married.  I have tried and failed for a baby of my own since September 2005 (married October 2005) and had four miscarriages along the way.  I don't understand why it happens so easily for some.  Unless you've suffered from infertility I don't expect you to really understand why it has affected me the way it has. 

My anger and frustration might be wrong in other people's eyes, but I am entitled to feel whatever way I want to feel.  I have been through sheer hell, and right or wrong this is how it affects me.  I will not have other people, who have no concept of how it is to be infertile, trying to dictate to me about how I should or shouldn't be coping.

Infertility has made me such a cynical, bitter person, I hate what it has done to me.  It's just fucked up.