PCOS

I resent having PCOS.

I resent feeling like a freak because I have facial hair.

I resent having a body that refuses to produce a baby, no matter how hard I try to lose weight.

I'm trying to dig deep and resolve the anger I have stored up but while I consider my body to be fucked up and useless, I can't see how I'm going to resolve anything.  Nothing will be resolved until I can prove to myself that I am fertile and that I can produce children. I know it's not fair to take it out on every pregnant woman I see but I just don't know how I'm meant to be handling the unfairness of it all.


There is no simple answer, no magic pill or words of wisdom to make it all go away.  It is my journey and my pain, I have to endure it the only way I know how.

Sometimes I post on a PCOS forum and today I saw a post from a woman who believes that she has been cured of PCOS after visiting some kind of natural medicine practitioner, I think it was a naturopath but I can't be sure.  The first person who replied gave her the "PCOS is hereditary" type of spiel and I got really angry.  That is really unfair!  But I suppose that is the mentality that we have all been brainwashed with, that we are all victims of our genetic blueprint and we've just gotta suck it up and deal with it.  So I posted a reply supporting the woman who believes she is cured. 

And then it got me thinking about how I see my own body, in particular my ovaries and uterus, as being a failure.  Five years ago I didn't see myself that way, it is only because of my PCOS and multiple miscarriages that I now do.

I came up with a lovely visualization yesterday that I am using to picture myself in my new body, so I suppose I could create a visualization of my ovaries and uterus being free of PCOS (and Endo).