Official starting stats & pics

Okie Dokies...

Here are my starting measurements.  I probably should have done this a few weeks ago but I guess it wouldn't really make alot of difference. (for the record, I am approximately 86kg or 190lb when the pics & measurements were taken)


Right knee 43cm

Left knee 40 cm (strongest)

Right thigh 62cm

Left thigh 63cm

Widest part 114cm (tummy area)

Hips 114cm

Waist 95cm

Bust 109cm

Right upper arm 35cm

Left upperarm 34cm (dominant)

I will post new measurements at the end of June.  If I haven't done it, don't hesitate to tell me off!


And starting pics (wearing my new UK size 16 Running-away-from-predators gear):

Notice how my left foot turns in a little in each pic.  This is probably because I broke my leg at the age of 6.  I am left handed at most things, my left leg is stronger at kicking than my right and my right leg is a little weaker due to the stroke I had at 29.

Fight or Flight

or in my case.....  Freeze And Scream Like A Girl.

That is what happened to me today.

I was going out to do some shopping.  Standing by my car, minding my own business as I fumbled with the key to unlock the car.  Suddenly there is a dog lungeing at me and barking ferociously from my right hand side, it was Jack the collie who lives next door.  Because I have a blind spot on my right side, sometimes it prevents me from seeing things or people as they approach.  Often I don't see the object or person until it is passing in front of me. 

Because I didn't hear Jack coming, and I couldn't see Jack coming, I had no time to react.  Which might have been an advantage for me because it didn't make the situation worse than it could have been.

I have never been afraid or reacted so afraid to a dog in my life until today.  I love dogs but if Jack had sunk his teeth into me there is no doubt that I would have sunken a boot into him.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that as Jack's owner was a few metres away and he bellowed at Jack for having a go at me.  I was so badly shaken up that I went back into the house, shut the door and burst into tears.  I had a mad rush of adrenalin and sat there shaken up for quite a while before I felt calm enough to go out. 

As I sat there I immediately thought about the fight or flight response and wondered if MY reaction, standing there screaming, would still have the same effect?  I neither fled nor fought, I just screamed!

I feel sorry for Jack, I don't know what happened to him that has made him so territorial.  Perhaps it was the guy why lived in the house before us, he hated Charlie so maybe he hated Jack too, and antagonised Jack whenever he could.  So whenever I am outside and Jack is in his yard, I can't even look in his direction without him barking incessantly and biting the fence as if he's imagining that it's my leg.

I am NOT happy about the situation with Jack having a go at me like that, so I will be having a talk to hubby and working out a way that we can approach Charlie about keeping Jack under control.  If he can at least keep Jack on a lead until he is safely home and back inside "his" territory, that would make me so much more comfortable.  I know Charlie carries a lead with him but he trusts Jack far too much and lets him off the lead when they are close to home.  I don't feel safe anymore so that is going to have to change.

I did a very silly thing

As I was preparing some fruit for my smoothie yesterday I managed to stab myself in the hand, blood poured out and I started feeling quite faint!  Fortunately I was able to stop the bleeding pretty quickly.  My hand hurts if I stretch it out flat so I will just have to nurse it for a couple of days until it heals up a bit.

I have had a bit of craving for chocolate yesterday and today so rather than feel guilty about it I have given in to it and had some organic dark mint chocolate - it was sooooooo good!  I have heard about how Candida can cause a craving for sugar so I will do a bit more reading on that as it could be exacerbating the sugar cravings.  I don't have any physical signs of thrush so that is a real positive.

Whey & stuff

So my supplements arrived on Monday, I was really impressed that the courier company emailed me to let me know my goods were being delivered between 12:07 and 13:07, and they were true to their word!

I started taking my supplements yesterday and so far so good, although I'm not sure how much Whey Protein Isolate I ought to be having.  Yesterday I tried one heaped tablespoon on my muesli, then I tried two tablespoons in my fruit smoothie for lunch.

This morning I tried two tablespoons on my muesli and honestly couldn't even tell it was in there.  I also had a banana and felt so full afterward, however it's only a couple of hours later and I'm already wanting to look in the fridge for something else.  I thought hhmmm maybe it's because I'm not drinking enough water, but I've probably already had a litre and I'm still sipping.

Last night wasn't the best, I was minding a 5 month old puppy for some friends yesterday and I walked her home at 8.30 last night, so by the time I got home and settled into bed I was so restless that it took at least an hour to wind down and get to sleep.  Then I was up at 4am to start work at a farm by 5.  I might have a power nap in the afternoon after I've had some lunch and got some work done around the house.

Weird dream

Last night I had the weirdest dream.  I was in a dance studio with some people and I was wearing dance gear and a pair of ballet points (slippers).  I have never danced ballet in my life, and yet here I was in my dream, standing before a mirror and assuming the perfect pose of a ballerina while the people standing at the end of the studio were applauding and praising me.

What is that about?

I hate my 3rd class teacher

The only time I ever truly felt thin and thought I looked thin was up until the age of 7.  I looked a healthy, normal size in photos, even now when I look at my class photos I was just a regular size kid, the only real difference I noticed between me and my friends was that I was the tallest girl in the class, I was even taller than many of the boys.

When I was 8, my school teacher decided it would be a good idea to weigh each student and display our weights on a poster in our classroom. To this day I still don't remember or understand what the point of it was, but it drew attention to the fact that I was heavier and I clearly recall a boy in my class teasing and laughing at me because I was the heaviest girl in the class. I was probably only 5-6kg or 12-14lb heavier than most of the girls, I certainly wasn't "chubby" or fat, but I definitely felt that way from that day on.

Thanks alot Mrs Mallett (or Mullett, as we called you).  You took away a part of my childhood that I should have been able to experience without feeling so self-conscious.

By the age of 11, I was definitely starting puberty so I started to fill out even more and that was when I truly started to feel that I was being judged by my size.  I was one of five girls in my class who were nominated for school captain and we were marched around to each classroom by the school principal so that students could vote for who they wanted as captain.  I felt so self-conscious standing there in front of all those kids, and I got the least votes.  Those kids were judging me and giving votes to the other girls, purely on how we looked.  They knew nothing about me, they didn't know that I was the smartest student in my class or the best speller, all they cared about was how I looked.  What a stupid way to choose the school captain, what possessed the teachers to let the students decide?  My confidence took even more of a beating that day and I started to feel even more ashamed about my body.

Supplements & meditation

Yesterday I received my morning meditation CD through the post so I was really pleased to be able to listen to it before I got up for work this morning.  I think the "spinning the spine" visualisation is going to take some practice, because I just couldn't picture the ball of light spinning around my vertebrae one by one.  So I just pictured my vertebrae lighting up one by one and radiating white light in every direction.

I have ordered more supplements today so hopefully they will arrive early next week.  For anyone in the UK, I ordered my stuff through http://www.myprotein.co.uk/.  The site looks to be quite popular with body builders and fitness freaks, I chose to buy from there because it was the first site I found that sells pure whey protein isolate powder (no artificial flavours etc) in 1kg bags.  Then I found a good multi-vitamin (with Vit E) and a good digestive enzyme supplement so have ordered those too.

As of today I have switched over to filtered water and oh boy can I taste a difference!  Dorset water is naturally hard due to the limestone in the region, it has a metallic taste and is just plain yuck.  I have been reluctant to drink because of it, and now I don't have to worry about it anymore.

FINALLY

My book arrived today!!  I have been trying to read it slowly and thoroughly rather than rush through it.  Luckily I have lots of highlighter pens so I can easily find all my favourite paragraphs and quotes.  EVERYTHING Jon says makes so much sense, I can see how my body has been fighting to stay fat for so many years.

I had a small revelation a couple of days ago.  While I was stuck in Australia last year waiting for my UK visa I was living with my parents most of that time.  In those six months I gained alot of weight, somewhere between 5 and 10kg.  Interesting huh?  Being in such close proximity to my father, the person who I have felt so hurt by.  It's no small wonder that my FAT switch came on, it was trying to protect me.

Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

Observations

Every few days I will post an update on how I'm feeling mentally, physically and spiritually so I can keep track of my ups and downs throughout the GM. 

Today:

• Sore throat (unspoken issues?)
• Tired (broken sleep)
• Craving sugar
• Unmotivated (to do housework)
• Anxious (because my GM book is taking so damn long to arrive)
• Excited (because I just ordered my GM morning meditation CD!!)

Father/Daughter relationship

When I was a small child, my father was the apple of my eye.  His bricklaying trade often meant getting up in (what felt like to me anyway) the wee hours of the morning and driving or often catching a train into the city to get to the job site.  So I would get up just to say goodbye to him as he left for work and I always felt a tinge of sadness.

As I grew older, Dad became quite the antagonist and he knew how to irritate me.  He was (still is) a sore loser and would cheat at all manner of games, whether we were playing cards or backyard cricket.  He also knew that I was ultra sensitive and would often know the right thing to say to set me off in a tirade or a bout of tears.  I always got over it eventually, but one particular incident has been etched in my mind and it hurts so much to remember.

I was in my early teens, maybe I was 13 or 14 years old.  I was definitely in high school and went to the same school as one of my cousins who is the same age as me so we sometimes had the same classes.  Anyway, one day Dad phoned his brother and my cousin, I'll call her P, answered the phone.  P was telling my father something wonderful and exciting and while I was sitting only a few metres away, I could tell that my father was quite animated and interested in whatever it was P was telling him.  I have never ever forgotten the way Dad looked over at me while he was listening to and praising P.  He gave me a sneering, scorning look that gouged out a part of my heart.  Until that moment, I had always believed he loved me unconditionally but I realised at that moment I was a shame and a disappointment to him.  The relationship between my father and I hardened from that day on.  As I grew older I resented every cruel word and taunt because I knew that he would forever compare me to P and no matter what I did in my life as I grew up, it was never good enough. 

When I was about 17 years old, he offered to pay for a gym membership because he wanted me to lose weight.  So I went a few times but I lost interest, I didn't understand that it would take so long to see results, I becamed disheartened when the scales weren't moving.  I remember seeing a jacket I liked when I was out shopping once, and Dad offered to buy it for me as long as I promised to lose weight and I agreed.  He was bribing me to do it, that is how ashamed he was of me.  I hate that jacket, I gave it back to him a few years later (an LA Raiders bomber jacket) and now he wears it occasionally so I am reminded of that pain whenever I see him wearing it.

I felt so much shame about my body that I became a sneak eater.  Whenever Dad was home, I would take whatever junk I wanted to eat into my bedroom and I would shut the door so I could eat in private.  Dad had scoffed sarcastically at me one day while I was sitting on the sofa watching the TV and eating a packet of Twisties.  If I was at home alone I would eat out in the lounge room but if Dad walked through the front door and I hadn't heard him coming I would stuff whatever food I was eating down the side of the sofa until he was out of the room, then I'd pull the food out and take it to my room to finish off.

I moved out of home in my early 20's, by this time I had joined WW and had lost around 16kg.  It's really sad to think that the only time in my whole life that I can ever truly recall Dad being proud of me was when I lost weight.  Losing weight made him happy and he would praise me, anything else was a non-event, oh hang on, I lie - he was really animated the day I bought my first car, lucky me.  When I wanted to buy my first home in 2001, he didn't want me to buy it.  I went against his advice, followed my heart and bought the house.  Well, he loved it.  Then when I decided to sell the house, he told me not to sell it.  So either way, I couldn't win!  However, I did get a smug sense of satisfaction because I sold it for a nice healthy profit.

Ever since that day when he was praising P while giving me the scornful look, I have always compared myself to P.  She is the epitome of perfection in my father's eyes - high achieving, popular, a petite blonde, and now she is married with children and living in a palatial home in a beautiful rural area.  Everything that I am not or have not achieved.  My father has no idea how much of an impact his cruel look has had on me since that day, he won't admit he was wrong to do it.  I confronted him about it years ago and got the usual sarcastic "What are you talking about?" response, he flatly denied it to my face.  But when Mum spoke to him about it in private, he tried to justify his behaviour by saying that he was only trying to "encourage" me.

I have been to a few counsellors to try to get to the bottom of my issues with Dad but none of them seem to understand or try to help me through it.  One counsellor tried to fob it all off as being "his issues" because of Dad's insecurities, and okay she might be right, they are his issues but he has projected them onto me unjustly and caused me so much pain.  Why can't my father just accept me as I am?  I understand why Dad behaves the way he does, it all stems back to his childhood when he was sexually abused by an adult. Since then, he has been trying to take back the control he lost, and he has tried to control Mum (sadly, she puts up with it) and he has tried to control my brother and I. I just can't fathom how being cruel to a young girl is meant to encourage her to take care of herself better. How hard is it to admit that he was wrong and that he hurt me and he is sorry?

So perhaps my excess weight is

• some kind of protective padding against my father's scornful face and vicious barbs.  My defences are always up whenever he is around, the smallest little comment can send me off into a tailspin. 
• a form of self-punishment for failing to be the perfect daughter
• (fill in the blank)?

Apple cider vinegar & Omega 3-6-9

I have developed two new habits this week.  Actually, one new one and one old one.

Under advice from Power Over PCOS naturopath Julie Merrick, I have started taking Apple Cider Vinegar three times a day.  It's super strong stuff, so if you are considering taking it, always dilute it in water and if necessary add a squeeze of lemon juice too.  I have a 1/2 teaspoon of ACV in a glass of water just before each meal.  It's a bit icky to get down so make sure you stir the vinegar really well in the glass, otherwise it ends up sitting at the bottom and makes the last few mouthfuls really difficult to swallow.

Omega 3 & 6 is really important to take for the GM, but I haven't been taking it for 1.5 years now (silly).  I found some Flaxseed 3-6-9 capsules on sale at half price, and as the shop didn't have any whole flax seeds or fish oil caps in stock I thought the Flaxseed caps would suffice for now.

Still waiting for my GM book to arrive, I got really excited yesterday when a package turned up in the post but it wasn't the book.  Instead, it was the Teachings of Abraham Master Course audio set I had ordered off Amazon.  I have uploaded all 11 cd's onto my iPod so I can wander around the house (or mow the lawn, if I can get the shed door open to get the mower out) and listen to them at leisure.

Revelation #2 - Mothering Issues

I was browsing the GM forums today when I found a post written by Jon Gabriel that really resonated with me.  He was replying to a member's post about being unable to lose any weight, and he mentioned the words mothering issues.  The lightbulb went on.

My birth mother decided, before I was born, to adopt me out. 

I was adopted at 3 weeks old and raised in a basic family unit of two parents and two children (my brother, also adopted, is not genetically related to me).  I always felt that something was missing my whole life, things just didn't add up.  I always felt out of place in my family, even though most of my relatives treated me as if I was no different (another post about that to come). 

In my early teens I began to notice little things here and there.  On my mum's side of the family, all the women have what I call "The Moylan Walk".  They all walk with their feet pointing out (like penguins) and when they stand for photos, their heels are closer together and their toes pointing out in opposite directions!  I didn't have that trait (thankfully), so that was one observation that made me wonder if I was in fact adopted.

I am always amazed at the fact that my intuition about this was very strong when I was a child.  All these little observations added up until one day I couldn't stand it any longer, I just had to ask my mother.  I can't remember exactly how old I was, I just remember going into my parents' bedroom where Mum was having a light nap. 

I asked her,

Mum, am I adopted?

What?  Don't be ridiculous! she snapped, turning really quickly to look at me.  The way she reacted made me feel so bad for even thinking something so stupid, and from that day on I never raised the issue again.

Mum's reaction to my question was purely out of fear.  When they decided to adopt, Dad (due to his own insecurities) decided that it would be best for my brother and I to never know they weren't our real parents.  Mum disagreed, she always wanted us to know and felt that it would be best if we were told as soon as we were able to understand what adoption means.  But Dad forced Mum to keep the secret and he threatened to leave her if she ever told us.

It wasn't until I was about 23/24 I learned that my parents weren't my real parents.  Somehow, my brother had found out.  I will probably never know who told him, he claims that someone had anonymously tipped him off.  I have my suspicions as to who it may be, but I doubt I will ever find out the truth.  Once my parents found out that my brother knew, they decided it was only fair that I had to know too.  So they called a meeting one day, sat me down and told me that I was adopted.  It came as a HUGE shock.  Massive.  But once the shock wore off, everything started to make sense.  I am actually able to LAUGH about it now, as bizarre as that may seem.  The way Dad told me, in hindsight, was quite comical.  At the time, it was simply devastating.

I never had any real desire to find out about my birth mother until I became very ill in 2004. I still haven't found her, but I have found out her name so I can trace her if I really want to. I don't carry any ill feelings towards her as from what I understand she was only a teenager when she had me and back in the 70's there was no support for single mothers so she did what she thought was best for me.

The way I see it, from the moment my birth mother knew she was pregnant with me she was already passing on the message to me that I wasn't wanted (abandonment).  Despite having a mother who adopted me and has cared for me since I was a baby, my whole life I have always had this sense of abandonment/undernourishment.  I could never pinpoint why, but I think I finally discovered the answer today.  And perhaps one of the reasons that I am emotionally obese is my body has decided that rather than be emotionally/physically abandoned, it would eat as much as it needs to survive a "famine" of maternal nurturing.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

I was diagnosed with PCOS in March 2005 at 29 years of age.  Until the diagnosis, I just assumed that I had inherited some unfortunate genes from my birth mother.  I hadn't even heard about PCOS until one day I went to a beautician appointment and the therapist commented on the dark hairs on my chin and how they were related to "something hormonal".  I had always felt really embarrassed about my hairy chin and always did my best to make sure it was clear but the therapist was still able to see the finer hairs and feel those that were sitting just below the skin waiting to sprout.  When I got home I googled "facial hair hormones women" or something like that.  The flood gates burst open and I was carried downriver into the world of PCOS from that moment.  I had blood tests and an ultrasound done and was told that I had the syndrome, but not the ovarian cysts that are associated with it.  I was prescribed the Pill which I took for about 5-6 months before coming off it due to a side effect (tightness of the chest).

Two or three months later, in November 2004, just a month before my 30th birthday, I woke up one morning with a severe headache.  It had happened before so I thought nothing of it, took some Panadol and tried to rest a bit more.  A few hours later, I suffered a stroke and ended up in hospital for almost a month for monitoring and rehabilitation.  Thankfully, the stroke wasn't so severe that it disabled me but I was unable to work for a year and unable to drive a car for about 6 months.  To this day my Neurologist can't tell me why I had the stroke, but we have been able to rule out a blood clot.  I honestly believe that the stroke was caused by PCOS.  After the stroke, my cycles went crazy.  Actually, they went AWOL. 

A year later I was still having grief with my cycles, I was anovulatory and bleeding endlessly.  I ended up consulting an Ob/Gyn and I had another ultrasound, this time showing my ovaries to be covered in cysts.  How could that be, when I'd only had an ultrasound a year before?   So I was booked into hospital where I had D&C, that was all fine, the Dr found a polyp which was removed, then a few weeks later I started Clomid.  I was on Clomid for about 6 cycles and I conceived twice but lost both pregnancies before 7 weeks.  That plunged me into a bout of depression for a year or so.  My weight went up and down and I managed to get it down to about 73kg when I finally conceived for the 3rd time naturally as my cycles were fairly regular again.  Then I conceived naturally again about 4 months later.  I lost that baby also, at 10.5 weeks. 

We have put all baby plans on hold until I am healthy enough to start again.  I had resolved not to do anything else until I could get my PCOS symptoms under control by losing weight.  I am concerned that with PCOS, I am pre-disposed to weight gain.  Under conditions of famine, according to theory, women with PCOS are more able to survive than their non-PCOS sisters and not only that but their ability to ovulate and have successful pregnancies actually increases.  So is my body on a state of alert to the threat of famine even though it may not eventuate?

I don't understand why I even have PCOS, my birth mother appears to have been a fertile woman (from what my parents are able to remember, she had a baby boy before me at 16, also adopted out - she was 19 when she gave birth to me).  So does that mean I developed PCOS because I gained weight, or did I gain weight because I have PCOS?  I guess the next logical step would be finding my birth mother.  I was in the process of doing that a few months ago but for some reason I didn't follow through.  Perhaps now is the right time so I can try to resolve some of the abandonment/under-nurturing issues that I appear to be holding onto.

Waiting waiting waiting

I am so impatient!!  I ordered my book through Amazon last Wednesday, it was despatched on Thursday and I hoped it would arrive today via the postman.  I'm pretty sure he has been but had nothing to deliver to us :(

Meanwhile, I have been reading the forums and watching the Youtube videos, listening to the evening meditation and trying to get my head around the Gabriel Method.  I am not questioning whether it really works as I have seen so much evidence (as if Jon's story isn't enough!) that it DOES work if applied correctly.  I think that so many years of being told "the only way to lose weight is through dieting" is a belief system that is difficult to break down. 

We have all been told that, all our lives.  I remember Jon Gabriel talking about neural pathways and how listening to the evening meditation helps to create new neural pathways, so I am listening to the meditation religiously every evening.  I think it is already starting to work, I am eating smaller meals and feeling fuller much quicker.  I don't obsess about the chocolate treats in the fridge and if I fancy one I try not to ignore the feeling, I just have one. 

Come on book, I need you!!

Revelation

This is a beautiful summary of the Gabriel Method:

Your body has an internal logic that determines how fat or thin you will be at any given time. The way to lose weight is not to struggle or to force yourself to lose weight but to understand this internal logic and work with it so that your body wants to be thinner. When your body wants to be thinner, weight loss is inevitable and becomes automatic and effortless. You simply crave less food, you crave healthier foods, your metabolism speeds up and you become very efficient at burning fat, just like a naturally thin person.

From this day on, I am not going to feel ashamed or blame myself for being fat, nor am I going to force myself to lose weight. 

I have been using the evening meditation track for three nights now, it is so relaxing that I have been falling asleep before the track is finished.  So last night, just before bed, I lit a candle and sat in a quiet place and listened to the meditation while sitting up straight.  After that, I played some relaxing music on my iPod as I drifted off to sleep.  I had such a great night's sleep (except for the few times I woke up to beat up my husband for snoring!) and woke up feeling so refreshed this morning.  I had a bowl of Cornflakes for breakfast and didn't feel like anything else which is unusual for me, my typical breakfast is a bowl of cereal followed by two crumpets and a cup of tea.

I just want to HUG her

Watching this video was the ultimate clincher for me to buy the book.  Helen's emotional speech is so genuine, I believe her 1000% and she has so much admiration for Jon and his anti-diet methods.

I listened to The Jon Gabriel Show podcast where Helen was a guest on the show and her story is amazing, I have so much admiration for her after everything she has endured and how she has been able to overcome her weight and health issues.

Perhaps now, as the word spreads about the Gabriel Method, people will stop being so judgmental and nasty toward others who carry too much weight.  I'm really sick of those "Biggest Loser" and "Dance Your @ss Off" TV shows, they only mock obesity and make money out of real people who have real problems.

The Gabriel Method

Almost my whole life, definitely throughout my whole adult life, I have been overweight.  The lowest point was when I walked into a Weight Watchers meeting in 2000 and stepped on the scales at 96.4kg.  Since that day I have battled with my weight loss and gain, changing from a size 18 to a 14 to a 16 to a 14 to an almost 12 to a 14 and now back to a 16 again.  I have joined WW countless times, fallen off the wagon every time and gained all or most of the weight back.  I even tried the Tony Ferguson program which I stuck with for about a month, lost around 4kg then gained it all back again.

If I add up all the weight I have lost over the last 10 years it would probably add up to more than 50kg.  What a waste of effort and money!

I stumbled across the Gabriel Method a few days ago while reading a naturopath's blog in Australia.  I went straight to the website and read all I could about it and I was hooked, I bought the book straight away.  This is what I have been looking for and I can't wait to get started.

My current weight is approximately 92kg.  I don't have bathroom scales because they do my head in, I only know roughly what I weigh because I used someone else's scales a few months ago.  Who knows, I could be heavier.  I guess I will have to weigh myself again when I have an opportunity, but it's not really important, I know that I am over 90kg and I am about to embark on a journey that will revolutionise a lifetime of eating habits.

xo Belinda