Revelation #2 - Mothering Issues

I was browsing the GM forums today when I found a post written by Jon Gabriel that really resonated with me.  He was replying to a member's post about being unable to lose any weight, and he mentioned the words mothering issues.  The lightbulb went on.

My birth mother decided, before I was born, to adopt me out. 

I was adopted at 3 weeks old and raised in a basic family unit of two parents and two children (my brother, also adopted, is not genetically related to me).  I always felt that something was missing my whole life, things just didn't add up.  I always felt out of place in my family, even though most of my relatives treated me as if I was no different (another post about that to come). 

In my early teens I began to notice little things here and there.  On my mum's side of the family, all the women have what I call "The Moylan Walk".  They all walk with their feet pointing out (like penguins) and when they stand for photos, their heels are closer together and their toes pointing out in opposite directions!  I didn't have that trait (thankfully), so that was one observation that made me wonder if I was in fact adopted.

I am always amazed at the fact that my intuition about this was very strong when I was a child.  All these little observations added up until one day I couldn't stand it any longer, I just had to ask my mother.  I can't remember exactly how old I was, I just remember going into my parents' bedroom where Mum was having a light nap. 

I asked her,

Mum, am I adopted?

What?  Don't be ridiculous! she snapped, turning really quickly to look at me.  The way she reacted made me feel so bad for even thinking something so stupid, and from that day on I never raised the issue again.

Mum's reaction to my question was purely out of fear.  When they decided to adopt, Dad (due to his own insecurities) decided that it would be best for my brother and I to never know they weren't our real parents.  Mum disagreed, she always wanted us to know and felt that it would be best if we were told as soon as we were able to understand what adoption means.  But Dad forced Mum to keep the secret and he threatened to leave her if she ever told us.

It wasn't until I was about 23/24 I learned that my parents weren't my real parents.  Somehow, my brother had found out.  I will probably never know who told him, he claims that someone had anonymously tipped him off.  I have my suspicions as to who it may be, but I doubt I will ever find out the truth.  Once my parents found out that my brother knew, they decided it was only fair that I had to know too.  So they called a meeting one day, sat me down and told me that I was adopted.  It came as a HUGE shock.  Massive.  But once the shock wore off, everything started to make sense.  I am actually able to LAUGH about it now, as bizarre as that may seem.  The way Dad told me, in hindsight, was quite comical.  At the time, it was simply devastating.

I never had any real desire to find out about my birth mother until I became very ill in 2004. I still haven't found her, but I have found out her name so I can trace her if I really want to. I don't carry any ill feelings towards her as from what I understand she was only a teenager when she had me and back in the 70's there was no support for single mothers so she did what she thought was best for me.

The way I see it, from the moment my birth mother knew she was pregnant with me she was already passing on the message to me that I wasn't wanted (abandonment).  Despite having a mother who adopted me and has cared for me since I was a baby, my whole life I have always had this sense of abandonment/undernourishment.  I could never pinpoint why, but I think I finally discovered the answer today.  And perhaps one of the reasons that I am emotionally obese is my body has decided that rather than be emotionally/physically abandoned, it would eat as much as it needs to survive a "famine" of maternal nurturing.