The death of a dream

Christmas is always focused on happy families and children, but for many infertile people it is a painful time and a constant reminder of their childlessness.  Marketing for occasions like birthdays and Christmas is always geared toward advertising showing excited children tearing open their presents and throwing their arms around their parents, or being cosied up on the sofa reading a book or sharing something special and magical, the image they portray always excludes anyone who can't have kids.

The guest on this video speaks of infertility so eloquently.  Not so sure I agree with her views on being totally dependent on god, but hey...  each to their own. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rma1bR9_1HE


I cried when she described her inability to bear children as the "death of a dream". For every miscarriage that I have experienced, it has been the death of a dream and I will always feel the loss of not knowing what each of those little babies would have looked like or the personalities they would have had, or the goodness that they would have been able to bestow to the world.

Thinking of all you beautiful women out there who are without a precious little life to hold this Christmas.

Take care xo

Very disappointing

A few days ago I sent a question to Jon Gabriel about DIM and excess oestrogen, adding in my PCOS diagnosis and fertility issues and how I wanted to know the best way to address this with diet.  I got an email from admin saying that this would be better discussed over the phone with Jon and that they would book me in for a 1 hr phone call.

Elated, I armed and prepared myself with some really good questions about oestrogen that I thought Jon would be able to shed some light on.

This morning I waited for his call, feeling nervous but excited to be able to speak to him directly.  I was really looking forward to the 1 hour call and expected to get alot out of it.

So Jon called and asked what he could do for me.  Huh?  I thought you knew why you were calling me, didn't your staff tell you?  I was a bit taken aback and my throat went dry as I tried (through the haze of sleepiness - I had woken up only 15 minutes before he called) to explain my understanding of DIM, Indol-3-Carbinol, good vs bad oestrogen, PCOS etc.

Given Jon's extensive background in biochemistry and the thousands of research papers he has apparently studied, I thought he would know a heck of alot about something as prevalent as oestrogen.  But all he did was refer me to the Dr Howard Liebowitz show and told me to contact him to ask about it all.

Jon then asked me about how much weight I wanted to lose, when I really started to gain, what happened around that time that could have caused it.  Having given it all alot of deep thought for months now, I haven't been able to come up with anything significant other than when I started taking the Pill - that enough is a stress on the body, so I can pretty much blame that for the rapid weight gain.

Jon also asked me if I had kids, I told him that I have had 4 miscarriages in the last 5 years.  Again, I felt that he didn't seem concerned or think it relevant at all.

So my anticipation of a one hour call was brought to an abrupt end after 14 minutes.

Wha? 

Is that it?

I sat there in stunned silence, feeling ripped off.  I know Jon is a busy guy but I also know from his podcasts and from personal calls he has made to other GMers that he has given more of his time and energy to their particular situation. 

So did I not ask the right questions?  Or does he think I'm just a lost cause?

PCOS

I resent having PCOS.

I resent feeling like a freak because I have facial hair.

I resent having a body that refuses to produce a baby, no matter how hard I try to lose weight.

I'm trying to dig deep and resolve the anger I have stored up but while I consider my body to be fucked up and useless, I can't see how I'm going to resolve anything.  Nothing will be resolved until I can prove to myself that I am fertile and that I can produce children. I know it's not fair to take it out on every pregnant woman I see but I just don't know how I'm meant to be handling the unfairness of it all.


There is no simple answer, no magic pill or words of wisdom to make it all go away.  It is my journey and my pain, I have to endure it the only way I know how.

Sometimes I post on a PCOS forum and today I saw a post from a woman who believes that she has been cured of PCOS after visiting some kind of natural medicine practitioner, I think it was a naturopath but I can't be sure.  The first person who replied gave her the "PCOS is hereditary" type of spiel and I got really angry.  That is really unfair!  But I suppose that is the mentality that we have all been brainwashed with, that we are all victims of our genetic blueprint and we've just gotta suck it up and deal with it.  So I posted a reply supporting the woman who believes she is cured. 

And then it got me thinking about how I see my own body, in particular my ovaries and uterus, as being a failure.  Five years ago I didn't see myself that way, it is only because of my PCOS and multiple miscarriages that I now do.

I came up with a lovely visualization yesterday that I am using to picture myself in my new body, so I suppose I could create a visualization of my ovaries and uterus being free of PCOS (and Endo).

I feel sick

I just found out, via Facebook of all places, that my supposed best friend is 7 weeks pregnant.  I say supposed, because I found this out on a public forum rather than being told in person.  I thought she would have the guts to tell me before I discovered this for myself.

It is such a kick in the teeth, not just to find out that way, but because she conceived less than two months after getting married.  I have tried and failed for a baby of my own since September 2005 (married October 2005) and had four miscarriages along the way.  I don't understand why it happens so easily for some.  Unless you've suffered from infertility I don't expect you to really understand why it has affected me the way it has. 

My anger and frustration might be wrong in other people's eyes, but I am entitled to feel whatever way I want to feel.  I have been through sheer hell, and right or wrong this is how it affects me.  I will not have other people, who have no concept of how it is to be infertile, trying to dictate to me about how I should or shouldn't be coping.

Infertility has made me such a cynical, bitter person, I hate what it has done to me.  It's just fucked up.

I'm back!

Hello Pam, I see you've been checking in regularly, sorry to disappoint you every time!

Well it has been a turbulent yet healing time for me and I've also been travelling.  I went back to Australia for a friend's wedding and to spend time catching up with people.  I'm back now and when I can gather my thoughts properly I will be back on the GM.

See you soon!

Major stress

I'm losing the plot and not sticking to the GM.  Devastated and lost right now.

Happy to have sore boobs!

Since March 2009, my menstrual cycles have been chaotic and unpredictable, I don't think that it's a small coincidence that it all went crazy when I left the UK and headed back to Aus by myself, I missed DH like crazy and couldn't stand to be half the world away from him.  So I believe the stress of being so far away from him had a direct impact.  Ever since, things have been very unsettled.

My last "normal" cycle was about 35 days long just before I flew back to Aus, then they suddenly slowed down to a grinding 3 months long.  Then when I returned to the UK things got even worse and I was bleeding for weeks rather than the usual 5-6 days.  My ovaries had basically stopped working and were failing to ovulate.  I gained alot of weight while I was in Aus so this is probably the main reason.  And now that I have lost (just guessing) around 7-8kg it seems that my body is starting to behave itself once again.  This morning while getting dressed I am sure I felt some tenderness in my breasts which usually means that I have just ovulated.  I also noticed some cervical mucus about two or three days ago, that is always a sure sign that I am about to ovulate.

This is probably really underwhelming and gross for alot of people to read but to me it's exciting, it means (if my instincts are right!) that my hormones are regulating themselves more which *should* make it easier to lose more weight.  I'm not even considering trying to conceive at the moment, I really don't want to worry myself about that until I am fitter and healthier.  In fact, the thought of falling pregnant actually scares me alot at the moment, I am afraid of having another miscarriage.

Eat up yer broccoli!

Two years ago I was participating on a forum with other women who were facing fertility issues.  I stopped posting there just after my fourth pregnancy loss but for some reason I went back there today and read through some of my posts.  Just before I discovered I was pregnant I was seeing a naturopath who had prescribed me a bottle of herbs and some supplements.  One of these supplements is called Indole-3-Carbinol aka "I3C".

I3C is produced by the breakdown of an organic compound found to occur naturally in cruciferous vegetables such as cabbage, broccoli, brussels sprouts, and kale.  When digested, a compound called Diindolylmethane (or DIM) is derived.

DIM works by stimulating efficient oestrogen metabolism

DIM increases the specific aerobic metabolism for oestrogen, multiplying the chance for oestrogen to be broken down into its beneficial, or "good" oestrogen metabolites. These "good"oestrogen metabolites are known as the 2-hydroxy oestrogens. Many of the benefits that are attributed to oestrogen, which include its ability to protect the heart and brain with its antioxidant activity, are now known to come from these "good" metabolites.
When DIM increases the "good" oestrogen metabolites, there is a simultaneous reduction in the levels of undesirable or "bad" oestrogen metabolites. These include the 16-hydroxy oestrogens, which are not antioxidants and can actually cause cancer. Greater production of these "bad" oestrogen metabolites is promoted by obesity and exposure to a number of manmade environmental chemicals.

These "bad" oestrogen metabolites are responsible for many of oestrogen's undesirable actions in women and men, including further unwanted weight gain, breast cancer, and uterine cancer.

Now that I have a better understanding of why it is so important for me, as a PCOS and endometriosis sufferer, to be getting more cruciferous vegetables into my diet I will try to add more of them but I am also going to include them in juicing just so I can squeeze even more in.  Excess oestrogen is a major influence in my weight issues so if I can convince my body that it is safe by lowering the oestrogen levels I am sure to see positive changes.

Infertility

I never imagined that I would ever have to endure such a horrible battle with infertility.  I was aware of other people having to go through it but until I experienced years of failure and then four miscarriages I had no idea how painful and isolating the whole journey would be.  Or that it would make me become so angry and bitter and at times so depressed that I just wanted to kill myself.

On a good day, I barely think about the miscarriages, I may have a fleeting moment when I remember what happened and there is a twinge of pain and perhaps a few tears and I acknowledge it then move on.  On a bad day I have horrible flashbacks and I get so angry and wonder why the fuck it had to happen to me when there are women who abuse their kids or abuse their bodies with alcohol or drugs, yet they don't lose their pregnancies. 

When my pregnant Facebook "friends" moaning about being "over it" or ask jokingly if anyone would like to adopt their tantrum throwing toddler (what the??) or just whinge about the most trivial little things, it's like a knife in the guts.  Many of these "friends" have endured infertility themselves but have eventually succeeded in having children and they have expressed their anger at other women who say stuff like they are "over it", only to then do it themselves.  I supported many of them through their journeys so it really upsets me that they move on and forget about those of us who read their flippant remarks and feel the knife drive in a bit deeper.

When I had my first miscarriage, I vowed to myself that I wouldn't become one of those angry and bitter women who couldn't be happy for other people when they got their baby in the end.  I couldn't understand why those women were the way they were but eventually it happened to me too.  With each miscarriage I endured, I became angrier and more resentful so that after a while it just became easier to cope.

I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy without the fear of another miscarriage.  Even now when I think about the possibility of carrying a baby to term I can't help but imagine that something horrible will happen because history has shown me that something horrible always does happen eventually.

I hate what infertility has done to my head and my heart.  If I knew what a torturous, painful journey it would become, I would never have allowed myself to want children.  This is probably the most agonizing thing I have ever experienced, far beyond any illness or heartbreaking relationship I've had in my life.

July measurements

Taking measurements once a month is proving to be a bit tricky.  If the measuring tape is just 1/2 an inch out of place it can change the measurement entirely, so I am changing my tactic slightly to make it easier and more consistent each month.

The changes in the last month are:

Left calf muscle 41cm *

Right calf muscle 30cm *

Right knee was 42cm now 40cm

Left knee was 41cm now 39 cm

Right thigh was 61cm now 57cm *

Left thigh was 61cm now 57cm *

Hips were 113cm now 111cm

Waist 95cm no change

Bust 109cm no change

Right upper arm now 39cm *

Left upper arm now 40cm *

A * denotes that I have added a new measurement or have slightly changed the point of where the measurement has been taken.  My upper arms for instance are now measuring larger than when I originally started but this is due to measuring from the widest part.  I have no idea which part of my upper arm I was taking a measurement from when I first started, all I know is that every month it varies too greatly to be a reliable reading.

I am pleased that I seem to be getting a downward trend each month in most areas, the only parts that do not seem to be changing are my torso area - so my waist, hips and bust!  I haven't been doing much in the way of exercise (well... ok...  none at all) except for the incidental calorie burning from housework and working my part time job so it's time to step it up a bit and start running from predators.

Day 2

of agony.

Yup, it's that most wonderful time of the month.

Feeling sorry for myself at the moment, hubby is indulging me a little by cooking dinner last night (chicken curry - really good!).  I haven't been able to sleep well either so my FAT switch is probably on due to that.

Just two more days until I get out the measuring tape, hopefully the bloating from my menstrual cycle will have gone down by then, so I will measure on the 30th then I might measure myself again on the 4th of August just to see if that shows any difference.

Can I go back to bed now please?

Humiliation

On my spiritual journey I have followed the work of Caroline Myss for a couple of years.  Her work is very in-depth and is too much for me to digest but occasionally I strike gold with something.

Today I was listening to a radio interview and Caroline mentioned how humiliation is the number one fear in human beings.  We all fear humiliation whether we choose to believe that or not.  Public speaking is a perfect example of a situation that strikes the fear of humiliation in many.  I can think of many instances in my life when I felt humiliated, it's not easy to forget.  Many times I have been frozen with fear or I completely avoided certain situations so that I wouldn't have to risk feeling humiliation.

I can see how humiliation has flicked on my FAT switch, I have become so terrified of being stared at, judged, scorned, laughed at.  Fat is my protection even though it is probably the fat that attracts all the humiliating circumstances and events in the first place.

My earliest recollection of humiliation is at my friend Danny's house, he and I went to the same school and were in the same class.  We were drawing pictures one day, I think I was trying to draw a person but to be honest I have never been good at drawing or painting.  I made such a mess of this particular drawing that I tried to hide my work but Danny insisted that I show it to him.  I even tried to run out of his house and go home to avoid him seeing what I had drawn but he was stronger than I and managed to wrestle the piece of paper off me.  We must have only been about 8 or 9 years old but I can still remember it and still feel the heat of humiliation and anger burning within me.

My father humiliated me by looking at me with scorn and disapproval.

My high school biology teacher humiliated me because I got an answer wrong in a test and she read the answer out to the class for everyone to have a laugh and turn and stare at me.

My 3rd grade teacher drew attention to my weight which attracted teasing from a boy in my class.

I hate criticism from others and I can see how all these incidents of humiliation over the years have moulded my emotional maturity.  I have a short temper and don't tolerate people telling me that I am wrong or pointing out my shortcomings, faults or inadequacies.  And it's probably why I am so quick to point them out in others at times, it's my inner child lashing out.  If she is going to be humiliated then what is her defense but to humiliate others and make them feel the embarrassment and shame that she does.

These days I feel so much shame about my body shape that I am always trying to cover it up in public.  Winter is my favourite season because I can layer up, wear coats and scarves and not worry so much about how other people see me.  I hate warm days because it means I can't wear a jacket that will hide the unwanted lumps and rolls of fat.  Today, for instance, I walked down the high street to do some shopping but I constantly checked my reflection in shop windows and tried so hard to keep my abs tight so that my top wouldn't cling to the spare tyres.  I was completely aware of how tense I felt as I walked along, I was sure everyone was staring at me as I passed by.  Why do their opinions about my appearance matter so much to me???

Leptin

What is Leptin?

Leptin is the hormone that sends messages to the brain that we may suppress craving and curb our appetites.

Leptin is the Master Hormone that controls obesity and weight loss

The more fat your body has, the more Leptin it produces

  

Leptin travels through your blood stream and communicates to the Hypothalamus (aka "the animal brain") how much fat the body is storing

Under normal circumstances (ie there is no Leptin Resistance), if there is too much Leptin:

• you become less hungry
• you become more sensitive to sweet things
• your metabolism speeds up
• your body becomes more efficient at burning fat (AKA the THIN program!)

When your body is suffering from Leptin Resistance:

• it is the same as not having Leptin at all so it takes your body alot longer to feel full;
• your tongue becomes less sensitive to sweet foods so you crave more to satisfy you;
• the thyroid fails to secrete certain hormones leading to an excess of other hormones = hormonal imbalance;
• you become insulin resistant

Chronic stresses decrease your body's response to Leptin.   Jon also refers to this as a famine response/FAT switch - the body becomes resistant to leptin so you gain weight (preparing for a FIGHT response).

Acute stresses increase your body's response to Leptin so you lose weight

 (preparing for a FLIGHT response).

How do we get our bodies to become more sensitive to Leptin????

SUNLIGHT

• increases level of Vitamin D which decreases the levels of Proinflammatory Cytokines
• signals to the body that it is the season where there is more abundant food and it is safe to carry less fat (Spring/Summer)

OMEGA 3s

• acutely increases plasma Leptin concentrations which increases metabolic rate and decreases hunger
• reduces levels of triglycerides in the blood stream
• reduces inflammation
• decreases anxiety & depression
• helps the brain to repair damage by promoting neuronal growth

ADRENALIN

• when the brain releases the adrenalin hormone it stimulates the fat cells to release energy (fat!)

As Jon tells us, the most effective way to get our brains to release a super dose of adrenalin is to run away from predators.  So I guess I had better start imagining something big and scary coming after me when I'm out for a walk....  hhmmm.... 

A tiger? 

A giant spider? 

(sorry, I couldn't bring myself to post a pic of a spider, that's how much they scare me!!)




Or a Labradoodle? 

(hahaha!  If I saw a Labradoodle chasing after me, I'd probably roll on the ground laughing :D just thinking or saying the word "labradoodle" makes me weak with laughter!!)

Bitterness

I apologize in advance if this post starts getting a little too heavy for some people.

My husband and I were running a business in Australia providing labour and machinery for my FIL's business.  To cut a long story VERY short, we fell out with my FIL over financial issues (he was underpaying us for our work) and we ended up having to sell off our stock and assets to pay off a huge chunk of debt.  We walked away from the business still owing alot of money and needing to declare ourselves bankrupt.  FIL still owes us a huge chunk of money but has refused to pay us a cent.  We can't afford to take legal action so he has got away with not paying us (for now).

We had hoped, after all was said and done, that we could put some money aside as a deposit on a house or a block of land but we couldn't even do that as we had to pay out our loans and debts.  I guess I ought be grateful that we have a roof over our heads at the moment - the house we live in was provided to us as part of DH's employment contract where he works now - but I still carry this resentment and envy toward people who own or are paying off the homes they live in.  Even watching Location, Location, Location gets me on edge, I see these rich people looking at houses and I just wonder where on earth they are getting all this money from to afford such beautiful homes.  I get angry when I think about how other people are really making something of their lives while we struggle to even save a little.  Where did we go wrong?

Perhaps the universe was stepping in and aligning people and circumstances to force us to take that holiday to the UK that would ultimately lead to us living there.  If things had turned out the way DH wanted, his father would have retired and we would have got ourselves into even deeper debt so that we could run a farm on our own.

Despite the bitterness and the "why us" self pitying, I remind myself that there MUST be a reason why we are here. Jon Gabriel's business partner booked him on a different flight to the fateful United Airlines Flight 93, then when his business collapsed a short time later, Jon said that his life had been spared twice. So maybe OUR lives have been spared from the failure of our business and we were given the opportunity to move to the UK and start afresh.

That is the only way I have been able to reconcile the losses we have endured over the last 5 years. 

We lost not only our business but four pregnancies along the way.  Every time I see a pregnant woman or a mum with a young baby I flinch involuntarily or I stare at them while feeling pain in my heart and wondering if that will ever be me.  I dread pregnancy announcements from friends and family, I have even distanced myself from certain family members because of their apparent ease in conceiving and popping out babies, I don't even want to hear about the wonderful lives they are leading in their million dollar rural homes surrounded by horses and babies and boats and four wheel drives.  I guess this is the part I am having the most difficulty reconciling, that they are all doing so well for themselves while my own life has been reduced to a few cubic metres of furniture (most of which is still stuck in Australia because we can't afford to ship it to the UK!).  That is what I struggle to accept the most. 

DH and I have worked so damn hard, we busted our gut and ended up with what?  I try so hard to just be grateful for what we have, we are in a much better position than many other people.  Who am I to complain?

So I guess the whole point of this rather long post is that this is probably one great big FAT switch for me.  Thanks for reading, I do feel like a load has been lifted now.

Broken leg

When I was six years old I was playing with my friend in her back yard one day, we were standing in the middle of the yard when her dog Honey came running toward us.  Honey wasn't running to attack us, I believe she was running toward a flock of birds that had landed at the end of the yard.  Unfortunately for me, Honey was not going to change course, she was heading in a straight line and I was in her way.  So I did what I thought would be a sensible thing to do, considering that I had little time to react - I jumped OVER her and twisted my left leg, breaking it at the knee.  Honey kept running, she didn't turn around or try to attack me, so I knew it wasn't me she was after, it was the birds.

The break was so severe that I was unable to straighten my leg out, it was bent back behind me.  My friend's dad carried me home because I was howling in pain (he had no idea my leg was broken), then my parents took me to hospital.  I had to go under a general anaesthetic to have my leg straightened and put into plaster, then I stayed in hospital another couple of weeks because I was so traumatized by my experience that I refused to do a bowel movement and the hospital refused to let me go home until I did. 

This could be related to the freeze response I had with Jack a few weeks ago when he came running at me barking and threatening to bite me, but I don't know for sure.  I certainly don't have a fear of dogs, I love them and have had a few as pets throughout my life.

June measures

Today I had my measurements taken again and I am relieved to report a slight change after my first full month of doing the Gabriel Method!


Right knee was 43cm now 42cm

Left knee was 40 cm now 41cm

Right thigh was 62cm now 61cm

Left thigh was 63cm now 61cm

Widest part was 114cm now 113cm(tummy area)

Hips were 114cm now 113cm

Waist 95cm no change

Bust 109cm no change

Right upper arm 35cm no change

Left upperarm 34cm no change


The frustrating part of using a measuring tape is trying to measure exactly the same spot every month.  My arms and legs in particular are a bit of an annoyance because we only have to measure a half inch either side of the correct spot and it changes the outcome, so I either get really happy or really pissed off LOL!

I'm pleased that things seem to be heading in generally the right direction, only one centimetre reduction (except my left knee - it appears to have grown - but the right knee has shrunk so they are almost even sizes again!).  I haven't been fully implementing all of the suggestions Jon makes in his book, only due to the cost, but I am ADDING stuff in so it is only a matter of time before I start to see even more progress!

Disappointed

Started using the SMART mode tracks a few days ago and I was quite disappointed to discover that the tracks are all the same music that Jon uses as the background for his morning and evening meditations.  I thought the SMART mode music would vary a bit more, but the only real discernable difference between the tracks is the length of time.  Each track is meant to take you into a certain level of SMART mode depending on the time of day. 

I have to admit that I'm pretty annoyed that the music is all the same, I was expecting something different.  Well I suppose it is too late to do anything about it now, so I will keep the CD and use it to my benefit.  Perhaps Jon's theory is that using the same music over and over makes it easier for us to get into SMART mode quicker and easier?

Reviewing the GM

It's now been almost 7 weeks since I started to incorporate the GM into my lifestyle.  These are the changes I have made thus far......

• using whey protein over my morning muesli and in my daily smoothie
• taking a digestive supplement, a women's multi and Vitamin E
• organic food wherever possible (being far from a large supermarket that stocks a great range makes this a bit tricky, but I'm now looking at doing grocery shopping online)
• chia seeds for my Omega 3 intake
• eating more nuts and seeds every day (especially Pistachio nuts - I am totally addicted to them!)
• drinking heaps of water without really trying
• chocolate cravings are almost non-existant....  I did say almost hahahaha
• listening to the evening meditation religiously
• listening to the morning meditation once every 3-4 days, just depends on how early I need to be up in the morning
• my Smart Mode CD arrived yesterday so I can start incorporating that into my routine

What I could improve on

• doing more visualization and meditation (which I can do now with Smart Mode)
• running from predators

Any other suggestions welcome!
Next week I will be measuring myself again to see if I have made any progress (fingers crossed), I am feeling quite positive that I have but the real proof will be in the measuring tape!

SMART Mode

So yesterday I finally ordered my SMART Mode CD!!  I can't wait to get it and begin using it, I think it is going to add so much more to my daily GM routine.  I don't listen to the Morning visualization as much as I had planned, I guess with the early morning starts I've had this week I have completely relished my sleep-ins as much as I can so I used that as an excuse to not do my meditation.  I love the Evening meditation though, Jon's voice is incredibly sexy LOL!  Usually I am asleep before the end but a couple of nights recently I have been so restless that it took a couple of hours to get to sleep (doesn't help that we don't have curtains on our bedroom windows - I'm still getting used to how light it still is so late at night).

Next measuring day is the 30th of June, I have no idea whether I will have gained or lost, my clothes don't feel any different yet.  I'm looking forward to finding out either way as it will be a good indication of how effectively the GM is working for me and I can re-assess what I am doing so I can fine tune a few things.

My lovely hubby

He came home the other day with a gift that will be put to ALOT of good use!

Er.. whoops!  No, not this one...  although, he would be put to good use as well *nudge nudge wink wink*

This one.  Not as beautiful, but pretty and functional in its own right.

We have a Philips hand blender with its own container but because we both want to use it for smoothies (and I'm the only one who will clean it properly after use!) DH thought it would be handy to have a Kenwood Smoothie 2GO.  That way, if he gets his mug dirty he has to clean it rather than use mine.

Every day for the last 3 weeks I have been making a delicious smoothie for myself, either for lunch or breakfast, usually consisting of a handful of frozen summer berries, a banana, a dash of milk and probiotic yoghurt, a couple of scoops of whey protein and a tablespoon of chia seeds.  Whiz it all up and out comes a thick frothy and totally yummy concoction that I have to use a spoon to eat.

Epigenetics

Since starting the GM and joining the forum, I have been able to learn so much about myself and my body.  I am truly blown away by the interesting and extremely intelligent people who have contributed alot of interesting information.

One of the most interesting things I am learning about is Epigenetics.  Dr Bruce Lipton is a cellular biologist who conducted a series of experiments that reveal that the cell membrane, the outer layer of a cell, is the organic equivalent of a computer chip, and the cell’s equivalent of a brain.  NOT the cell nucleus, as has been believed for many years.

In fact, Dr Lipton describes the SKIN of our bodies as a part of our brain.  Why not?  Our skin is the interface between our body and our environment.  The five senses - smell, touch, taste, sight and sound - are all functions of our skin that pick up signals about our environment.  They perceive messages which send signals which our bodies convert into a response.  Much like a TV antenna receiving a signal and converting it into pictures and sound on a screen.

Our DNA is our genetic blueprint, but it is a record of our ancestors.  It gives us information about the world as they perceived it, but we each have the ability to re-write that blueprint.

This is a brilliant video that explains how Epigenetics works and the messages in it are:

Your beliefs can change your genetic expression.

Spontaneous remissions are tied to having a profound change in perception or belief about life.

 

Your mind can create disease. And, through placebo effect, you can also heal yourself.

The people around you influence your perceptions, and since perception controls epigenetics, the philosophy of others, the culture and beliefs of people around you become part of your field which can control epigenetics and impact what you are able to create.

.... impact what you are able to create.

This is so powerful, and it ties in SO MUCH with the Law of Attraction.

One of my favourite quotes in The Secret is by W. Clement Stone:

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve". 

It is one of my favourite sayings.  But until today, I never really understood how right W Clement Stone is!

I believed, until now, that a diagnosis of PCOS was a diagnosis of infertility and struggling with my weight for the rest of my life.

But after looking into epigenetics, it has turned everything upside down.

Perception Is Powerful.

Chia seeds

Remember those little novelty things you could buy years ago called Chia Pets? 

Yep, those things.  Well, you can still buy them, there's even a Barack Obama chia pet!

Or, apparently not.  Seems it was pulled from the shelves because it has been deemed to be "racist".  Well, nobody called the Mr T chia pet racist, did they?  Hmmm... anyway.... 

Well, the chia seed is packed with all kinds of scrumptious vitamins and nutrients our bodies need, particularly Omega 3 fatty acids.  I have been adding my chia seeds to smoothies and my morning muesli, I haven't tried soaking the seeds to make a gel yet, I need to be a little more adventurous!

The chia plant originates from Mexico but it is being grown all over the world including the Ord Valley in Western Australia which produced around 750 hectares in 2008.  Apparently the white chia seeds, known as "Salba", are 3% more nutritious than the black seeds and yet they cost TWICE AS MUCH.  No bull.

I bought a 500g bag of chia seeds (mostly the black seeds, very few white seeds were in the bag but were easily noticeable) online which cost me £13.60 (including postage).

I just looked on Ebay for Salba, and some MUG (that is the only way I can describe these bandits!) is selling a container of white chia seeds for £28.96 (including postage)!

That is MORE than double the price of my chia seeds, but only 3% more nutritional value (if that is actually true).  All I would be paying for is the time someone took to separate out the white seeds from the black seeds (unless there is a Chia plant that only produces white seeds, which would make life a whole lot easier!?).  What a marketing dream Salba is, I should buy shares in the company.

I think I'll stick to the black seeds thanks very much.  They are still going to do the same job as the white seeds, it is highly unlikely that I would notice the 3% difference because I haven't got the white seeds.  It will be much cheaper if I just add 3% more seeds to my serving each time.

Here's a recipe using chia seeds:

Orange and Chia Cake - Gluten free.

Ingredients-


2 large oranges
6 large free range eggs
250g caster sugar
250g almond meal
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup of Chia ( black )
Icing - optional
3/4 cup cream cheese
Juice of half a lemon
1/2 cup icing sugar

Pre heat oven to 175 °C.

Put oranges in a bowl and cover with cling flim. Microwave for 7 minutes on high. Oranges should be tender when poked with a knife.

Put cooked oranges; skin, pith and flesh into a food processor until smooth. Set aside.
Beat eggs and caster sugar until thick and pale. Then fold together the almond meal, baking powder, orange pulp and chia.

Pour into a large, well greased and lined cake tin and bake for 35 - 40 mins on a low shelf.
Combine icing ingredients and stir until smooth.  Spread over cooled cake, sprinkle with more chia.

Official starting stats & pics

Okie Dokies...

Here are my starting measurements.  I probably should have done this a few weeks ago but I guess it wouldn't really make alot of difference. (for the record, I am approximately 86kg or 190lb when the pics & measurements were taken)


Right knee 43cm

Left knee 40 cm (strongest)

Right thigh 62cm

Left thigh 63cm

Widest part 114cm (tummy area)

Hips 114cm

Waist 95cm

Bust 109cm

Right upper arm 35cm

Left upperarm 34cm (dominant)

I will post new measurements at the end of June.  If I haven't done it, don't hesitate to tell me off!


And starting pics (wearing my new UK size 16 Running-away-from-predators gear):

Notice how my left foot turns in a little in each pic.  This is probably because I broke my leg at the age of 6.  I am left handed at most things, my left leg is stronger at kicking than my right and my right leg is a little weaker due to the stroke I had at 29.

Fight or Flight

or in my case.....  Freeze And Scream Like A Girl.

That is what happened to me today.

I was going out to do some shopping.  Standing by my car, minding my own business as I fumbled with the key to unlock the car.  Suddenly there is a dog lungeing at me and barking ferociously from my right hand side, it was Jack the collie who lives next door.  Because I have a blind spot on my right side, sometimes it prevents me from seeing things or people as they approach.  Often I don't see the object or person until it is passing in front of me. 

Because I didn't hear Jack coming, and I couldn't see Jack coming, I had no time to react.  Which might have been an advantage for me because it didn't make the situation worse than it could have been.

I have never been afraid or reacted so afraid to a dog in my life until today.  I love dogs but if Jack had sunk his teeth into me there is no doubt that I would have sunken a boot into him.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that as Jack's owner was a few metres away and he bellowed at Jack for having a go at me.  I was so badly shaken up that I went back into the house, shut the door and burst into tears.  I had a mad rush of adrenalin and sat there shaken up for quite a while before I felt calm enough to go out. 

As I sat there I immediately thought about the fight or flight response and wondered if MY reaction, standing there screaming, would still have the same effect?  I neither fled nor fought, I just screamed!

I feel sorry for Jack, I don't know what happened to him that has made him so territorial.  Perhaps it was the guy why lived in the house before us, he hated Charlie so maybe he hated Jack too, and antagonised Jack whenever he could.  So whenever I am outside and Jack is in his yard, I can't even look in his direction without him barking incessantly and biting the fence as if he's imagining that it's my leg.

I am NOT happy about the situation with Jack having a go at me like that, so I will be having a talk to hubby and working out a way that we can approach Charlie about keeping Jack under control.  If he can at least keep Jack on a lead until he is safely home and back inside "his" territory, that would make me so much more comfortable.  I know Charlie carries a lead with him but he trusts Jack far too much and lets him off the lead when they are close to home.  I don't feel safe anymore so that is going to have to change.

I did a very silly thing

As I was preparing some fruit for my smoothie yesterday I managed to stab myself in the hand, blood poured out and I started feeling quite faint!  Fortunately I was able to stop the bleeding pretty quickly.  My hand hurts if I stretch it out flat so I will just have to nurse it for a couple of days until it heals up a bit.

I have had a bit of craving for chocolate yesterday and today so rather than feel guilty about it I have given in to it and had some organic dark mint chocolate - it was sooooooo good!  I have heard about how Candida can cause a craving for sugar so I will do a bit more reading on that as it could be exacerbating the sugar cravings.  I don't have any physical signs of thrush so that is a real positive.

Whey & stuff

So my supplements arrived on Monday, I was really impressed that the courier company emailed me to let me know my goods were being delivered between 12:07 and 13:07, and they were true to their word!

I started taking my supplements yesterday and so far so good, although I'm not sure how much Whey Protein Isolate I ought to be having.  Yesterday I tried one heaped tablespoon on my muesli, then I tried two tablespoons in my fruit smoothie for lunch.

This morning I tried two tablespoons on my muesli and honestly couldn't even tell it was in there.  I also had a banana and felt so full afterward, however it's only a couple of hours later and I'm already wanting to look in the fridge for something else.  I thought hhmmm maybe it's because I'm not drinking enough water, but I've probably already had a litre and I'm still sipping.

Last night wasn't the best, I was minding a 5 month old puppy for some friends yesterday and I walked her home at 8.30 last night, so by the time I got home and settled into bed I was so restless that it took at least an hour to wind down and get to sleep.  Then I was up at 4am to start work at a farm by 5.  I might have a power nap in the afternoon after I've had some lunch and got some work done around the house.

Weird dream

Last night I had the weirdest dream.  I was in a dance studio with some people and I was wearing dance gear and a pair of ballet points (slippers).  I have never danced ballet in my life, and yet here I was in my dream, standing before a mirror and assuming the perfect pose of a ballerina while the people standing at the end of the studio were applauding and praising me.

What is that about?

I hate my 3rd class teacher

The only time I ever truly felt thin and thought I looked thin was up until the age of 7.  I looked a healthy, normal size in photos, even now when I look at my class photos I was just a regular size kid, the only real difference I noticed between me and my friends was that I was the tallest girl in the class, I was even taller than many of the boys.

When I was 8, my school teacher decided it would be a good idea to weigh each student and display our weights on a poster in our classroom. To this day I still don't remember or understand what the point of it was, but it drew attention to the fact that I was heavier and I clearly recall a boy in my class teasing and laughing at me because I was the heaviest girl in the class. I was probably only 5-6kg or 12-14lb heavier than most of the girls, I certainly wasn't "chubby" or fat, but I definitely felt that way from that day on.

Thanks alot Mrs Mallett (or Mullett, as we called you).  You took away a part of my childhood that I should have been able to experience without feeling so self-conscious.

By the age of 11, I was definitely starting puberty so I started to fill out even more and that was when I truly started to feel that I was being judged by my size.  I was one of five girls in my class who were nominated for school captain and we were marched around to each classroom by the school principal so that students could vote for who they wanted as captain.  I felt so self-conscious standing there in front of all those kids, and I got the least votes.  Those kids were judging me and giving votes to the other girls, purely on how we looked.  They knew nothing about me, they didn't know that I was the smartest student in my class or the best speller, all they cared about was how I looked.  What a stupid way to choose the school captain, what possessed the teachers to let the students decide?  My confidence took even more of a beating that day and I started to feel even more ashamed about my body.

Supplements & meditation

Yesterday I received my morning meditation CD through the post so I was really pleased to be able to listen to it before I got up for work this morning.  I think the "spinning the spine" visualisation is going to take some practice, because I just couldn't picture the ball of light spinning around my vertebrae one by one.  So I just pictured my vertebrae lighting up one by one and radiating white light in every direction.

I have ordered more supplements today so hopefully they will arrive early next week.  For anyone in the UK, I ordered my stuff through http://www.myprotein.co.uk/.  The site looks to be quite popular with body builders and fitness freaks, I chose to buy from there because it was the first site I found that sells pure whey protein isolate powder (no artificial flavours etc) in 1kg bags.  Then I found a good multi-vitamin (with Vit E) and a good digestive enzyme supplement so have ordered those too.

As of today I have switched over to filtered water and oh boy can I taste a difference!  Dorset water is naturally hard due to the limestone in the region, it has a metallic taste and is just plain yuck.  I have been reluctant to drink because of it, and now I don't have to worry about it anymore.

FINALLY

My book arrived today!!  I have been trying to read it slowly and thoroughly rather than rush through it.  Luckily I have lots of highlighter pens so I can easily find all my favourite paragraphs and quotes.  EVERYTHING Jon says makes so much sense, I can see how my body has been fighting to stay fat for so many years.

I had a small revelation a couple of days ago.  While I was stuck in Australia last year waiting for my UK visa I was living with my parents most of that time.  In those six months I gained alot of weight, somewhere between 5 and 10kg.  Interesting huh?  Being in such close proximity to my father, the person who I have felt so hurt by.  It's no small wonder that my FAT switch came on, it was trying to protect me.

Beautiful - Christina Aguilera

Observations

Every few days I will post an update on how I'm feeling mentally, physically and spiritually so I can keep track of my ups and downs throughout the GM. 

Today:

• Sore throat (unspoken issues?)
• Tired (broken sleep)
• Craving sugar
• Unmotivated (to do housework)
• Anxious (because my GM book is taking so damn long to arrive)
• Excited (because I just ordered my GM morning meditation CD!!)

Father/Daughter relationship

When I was a small child, my father was the apple of my eye.  His bricklaying trade often meant getting up in (what felt like to me anyway) the wee hours of the morning and driving or often catching a train into the city to get to the job site.  So I would get up just to say goodbye to him as he left for work and I always felt a tinge of sadness.

As I grew older, Dad became quite the antagonist and he knew how to irritate me.  He was (still is) a sore loser and would cheat at all manner of games, whether we were playing cards or backyard cricket.  He also knew that I was ultra sensitive and would often know the right thing to say to set me off in a tirade or a bout of tears.  I always got over it eventually, but one particular incident has been etched in my mind and it hurts so much to remember.

I was in my early teens, maybe I was 13 or 14 years old.  I was definitely in high school and went to the same school as one of my cousins who is the same age as me so we sometimes had the same classes.  Anyway, one day Dad phoned his brother and my cousin, I'll call her P, answered the phone.  P was telling my father something wonderful and exciting and while I was sitting only a few metres away, I could tell that my father was quite animated and interested in whatever it was P was telling him.  I have never ever forgotten the way Dad looked over at me while he was listening to and praising P.  He gave me a sneering, scorning look that gouged out a part of my heart.  Until that moment, I had always believed he loved me unconditionally but I realised at that moment I was a shame and a disappointment to him.  The relationship between my father and I hardened from that day on.  As I grew older I resented every cruel word and taunt because I knew that he would forever compare me to P and no matter what I did in my life as I grew up, it was never good enough. 

When I was about 17 years old, he offered to pay for a gym membership because he wanted me to lose weight.  So I went a few times but I lost interest, I didn't understand that it would take so long to see results, I becamed disheartened when the scales weren't moving.  I remember seeing a jacket I liked when I was out shopping once, and Dad offered to buy it for me as long as I promised to lose weight and I agreed.  He was bribing me to do it, that is how ashamed he was of me.  I hate that jacket, I gave it back to him a few years later (an LA Raiders bomber jacket) and now he wears it occasionally so I am reminded of that pain whenever I see him wearing it.

I felt so much shame about my body that I became a sneak eater.  Whenever Dad was home, I would take whatever junk I wanted to eat into my bedroom and I would shut the door so I could eat in private.  Dad had scoffed sarcastically at me one day while I was sitting on the sofa watching the TV and eating a packet of Twisties.  If I was at home alone I would eat out in the lounge room but if Dad walked through the front door and I hadn't heard him coming I would stuff whatever food I was eating down the side of the sofa until he was out of the room, then I'd pull the food out and take it to my room to finish off.

I moved out of home in my early 20's, by this time I had joined WW and had lost around 16kg.  It's really sad to think that the only time in my whole life that I can ever truly recall Dad being proud of me was when I lost weight.  Losing weight made him happy and he would praise me, anything else was a non-event, oh hang on, I lie - he was really animated the day I bought my first car, lucky me.  When I wanted to buy my first home in 2001, he didn't want me to buy it.  I went against his advice, followed my heart and bought the house.  Well, he loved it.  Then when I decided to sell the house, he told me not to sell it.  So either way, I couldn't win!  However, I did get a smug sense of satisfaction because I sold it for a nice healthy profit.

Ever since that day when he was praising P while giving me the scornful look, I have always compared myself to P.  She is the epitome of perfection in my father's eyes - high achieving, popular, a petite blonde, and now she is married with children and living in a palatial home in a beautiful rural area.  Everything that I am not or have not achieved.  My father has no idea how much of an impact his cruel look has had on me since that day, he won't admit he was wrong to do it.  I confronted him about it years ago and got the usual sarcastic "What are you talking about?" response, he flatly denied it to my face.  But when Mum spoke to him about it in private, he tried to justify his behaviour by saying that he was only trying to "encourage" me.

I have been to a few counsellors to try to get to the bottom of my issues with Dad but none of them seem to understand or try to help me through it.  One counsellor tried to fob it all off as being "his issues" because of Dad's insecurities, and okay she might be right, they are his issues but he has projected them onto me unjustly and caused me so much pain.  Why can't my father just accept me as I am?  I understand why Dad behaves the way he does, it all stems back to his childhood when he was sexually abused by an adult. Since then, he has been trying to take back the control he lost, and he has tried to control Mum (sadly, she puts up with it) and he has tried to control my brother and I. I just can't fathom how being cruel to a young girl is meant to encourage her to take care of herself better. How hard is it to admit that he was wrong and that he hurt me and he is sorry?

So perhaps my excess weight is

• some kind of protective padding against my father's scornful face and vicious barbs.  My defences are always up whenever he is around, the smallest little comment can send me off into a tailspin. 
• a form of self-punishment for failing to be the perfect daughter
• (fill in the blank)?

Apple cider vinegar & Omega 3-6-9

I have developed two new habits this week.  Actually, one new one and one old one.

Under advice from Power Over PCOS naturopath Julie Merrick, I have started taking Apple Cider Vinegar three times a day.  It's super strong stuff, so if you are considering taking it, always dilute it in water and if necessary add a squeeze of lemon juice too.  I have a 1/2 teaspoon of ACV in a glass of water just before each meal.  It's a bit icky to get down so make sure you stir the vinegar really well in the glass, otherwise it ends up sitting at the bottom and makes the last few mouthfuls really difficult to swallow.

Omega 3 & 6 is really important to take for the GM, but I haven't been taking it for 1.5 years now (silly).  I found some Flaxseed 3-6-9 capsules on sale at half price, and as the shop didn't have any whole flax seeds or fish oil caps in stock I thought the Flaxseed caps would suffice for now.

Still waiting for my GM book to arrive, I got really excited yesterday when a package turned up in the post but it wasn't the book.  Instead, it was the Teachings of Abraham Master Course audio set I had ordered off Amazon.  I have uploaded all 11 cd's onto my iPod so I can wander around the house (or mow the lawn, if I can get the shed door open to get the mower out) and listen to them at leisure.

Revelation #2 - Mothering Issues

I was browsing the GM forums today when I found a post written by Jon Gabriel that really resonated with me.  He was replying to a member's post about being unable to lose any weight, and he mentioned the words mothering issues.  The lightbulb went on.

My birth mother decided, before I was born, to adopt me out. 

I was adopted at 3 weeks old and raised in a basic family unit of two parents and two children (my brother, also adopted, is not genetically related to me).  I always felt that something was missing my whole life, things just didn't add up.  I always felt out of place in my family, even though most of my relatives treated me as if I was no different (another post about that to come). 

In my early teens I began to notice little things here and there.  On my mum's side of the family, all the women have what I call "The Moylan Walk".  They all walk with their feet pointing out (like penguins) and when they stand for photos, their heels are closer together and their toes pointing out in opposite directions!  I didn't have that trait (thankfully), so that was one observation that made me wonder if I was in fact adopted.

I am always amazed at the fact that my intuition about this was very strong when I was a child.  All these little observations added up until one day I couldn't stand it any longer, I just had to ask my mother.  I can't remember exactly how old I was, I just remember going into my parents' bedroom where Mum was having a light nap. 

I asked her,

Mum, am I adopted?

What?  Don't be ridiculous! she snapped, turning really quickly to look at me.  The way she reacted made me feel so bad for even thinking something so stupid, and from that day on I never raised the issue again.

Mum's reaction to my question was purely out of fear.  When they decided to adopt, Dad (due to his own insecurities) decided that it would be best for my brother and I to never know they weren't our real parents.  Mum disagreed, she always wanted us to know and felt that it would be best if we were told as soon as we were able to understand what adoption means.  But Dad forced Mum to keep the secret and he threatened to leave her if she ever told us.

It wasn't until I was about 23/24 I learned that my parents weren't my real parents.  Somehow, my brother had found out.  I will probably never know who told him, he claims that someone had anonymously tipped him off.  I have my suspicions as to who it may be, but I doubt I will ever find out the truth.  Once my parents found out that my brother knew, they decided it was only fair that I had to know too.  So they called a meeting one day, sat me down and told me that I was adopted.  It came as a HUGE shock.  Massive.  But once the shock wore off, everything started to make sense.  I am actually able to LAUGH about it now, as bizarre as that may seem.  The way Dad told me, in hindsight, was quite comical.  At the time, it was simply devastating.

I never had any real desire to find out about my birth mother until I became very ill in 2004. I still haven't found her, but I have found out her name so I can trace her if I really want to. I don't carry any ill feelings towards her as from what I understand she was only a teenager when she had me and back in the 70's there was no support for single mothers so she did what she thought was best for me.

The way I see it, from the moment my birth mother knew she was pregnant with me she was already passing on the message to me that I wasn't wanted (abandonment).  Despite having a mother who adopted me and has cared for me since I was a baby, my whole life I have always had this sense of abandonment/undernourishment.  I could never pinpoint why, but I think I finally discovered the answer today.  And perhaps one of the reasons that I am emotionally obese is my body has decided that rather than be emotionally/physically abandoned, it would eat as much as it needs to survive a "famine" of maternal nurturing.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

I was diagnosed with PCOS in March 2005 at 29 years of age.  Until the diagnosis, I just assumed that I had inherited some unfortunate genes from my birth mother.  I hadn't even heard about PCOS until one day I went to a beautician appointment and the therapist commented on the dark hairs on my chin and how they were related to "something hormonal".  I had always felt really embarrassed about my hairy chin and always did my best to make sure it was clear but the therapist was still able to see the finer hairs and feel those that were sitting just below the skin waiting to sprout.  When I got home I googled "facial hair hormones women" or something like that.  The flood gates burst open and I was carried downriver into the world of PCOS from that moment.  I had blood tests and an ultrasound done and was told that I had the syndrome, but not the ovarian cysts that are associated with it.  I was prescribed the Pill which I took for about 5-6 months before coming off it due to a side effect (tightness of the chest).

Two or three months later, in November 2004, just a month before my 30th birthday, I woke up one morning with a severe headache.  It had happened before so I thought nothing of it, took some Panadol and tried to rest a bit more.  A few hours later, I suffered a stroke and ended up in hospital for almost a month for monitoring and rehabilitation.  Thankfully, the stroke wasn't so severe that it disabled me but I was unable to work for a year and unable to drive a car for about 6 months.  To this day my Neurologist can't tell me why I had the stroke, but we have been able to rule out a blood clot.  I honestly believe that the stroke was caused by PCOS.  After the stroke, my cycles went crazy.  Actually, they went AWOL. 

A year later I was still having grief with my cycles, I was anovulatory and bleeding endlessly.  I ended up consulting an Ob/Gyn and I had another ultrasound, this time showing my ovaries to be covered in cysts.  How could that be, when I'd only had an ultrasound a year before?   So I was booked into hospital where I had D&C, that was all fine, the Dr found a polyp which was removed, then a few weeks later I started Clomid.  I was on Clomid for about 6 cycles and I conceived twice but lost both pregnancies before 7 weeks.  That plunged me into a bout of depression for a year or so.  My weight went up and down and I managed to get it down to about 73kg when I finally conceived for the 3rd time naturally as my cycles were fairly regular again.  Then I conceived naturally again about 4 months later.  I lost that baby also, at 10.5 weeks. 

We have put all baby plans on hold until I am healthy enough to start again.  I had resolved not to do anything else until I could get my PCOS symptoms under control by losing weight.  I am concerned that with PCOS, I am pre-disposed to weight gain.  Under conditions of famine, according to theory, women with PCOS are more able to survive than their non-PCOS sisters and not only that but their ability to ovulate and have successful pregnancies actually increases.  So is my body on a state of alert to the threat of famine even though it may not eventuate?

I don't understand why I even have PCOS, my birth mother appears to have been a fertile woman (from what my parents are able to remember, she had a baby boy before me at 16, also adopted out - she was 19 when she gave birth to me).  So does that mean I developed PCOS because I gained weight, or did I gain weight because I have PCOS?  I guess the next logical step would be finding my birth mother.  I was in the process of doing that a few months ago but for some reason I didn't follow through.  Perhaps now is the right time so I can try to resolve some of the abandonment/under-nurturing issues that I appear to be holding onto.

Waiting waiting waiting

I am so impatient!!  I ordered my book through Amazon last Wednesday, it was despatched on Thursday and I hoped it would arrive today via the postman.  I'm pretty sure he has been but had nothing to deliver to us :(

Meanwhile, I have been reading the forums and watching the Youtube videos, listening to the evening meditation and trying to get my head around the Gabriel Method.  I am not questioning whether it really works as I have seen so much evidence (as if Jon's story isn't enough!) that it DOES work if applied correctly.  I think that so many years of being told "the only way to lose weight is through dieting" is a belief system that is difficult to break down. 

We have all been told that, all our lives.  I remember Jon Gabriel talking about neural pathways and how listening to the evening meditation helps to create new neural pathways, so I am listening to the meditation religiously every evening.  I think it is already starting to work, I am eating smaller meals and feeling fuller much quicker.  I don't obsess about the chocolate treats in the fridge and if I fancy one I try not to ignore the feeling, I just have one. 

Come on book, I need you!!

Revelation

This is a beautiful summary of the Gabriel Method:

Your body has an internal logic that determines how fat or thin you will be at any given time. The way to lose weight is not to struggle or to force yourself to lose weight but to understand this internal logic and work with it so that your body wants to be thinner. When your body wants to be thinner, weight loss is inevitable and becomes automatic and effortless. You simply crave less food, you crave healthier foods, your metabolism speeds up and you become very efficient at burning fat, just like a naturally thin person.

From this day on, I am not going to feel ashamed or blame myself for being fat, nor am I going to force myself to lose weight. 

I have been using the evening meditation track for three nights now, it is so relaxing that I have been falling asleep before the track is finished.  So last night, just before bed, I lit a candle and sat in a quiet place and listened to the meditation while sitting up straight.  After that, I played some relaxing music on my iPod as I drifted off to sleep.  I had such a great night's sleep (except for the few times I woke up to beat up my husband for snoring!) and woke up feeling so refreshed this morning.  I had a bowl of Cornflakes for breakfast and didn't feel like anything else which is unusual for me, my typical breakfast is a bowl of cereal followed by two crumpets and a cup of tea.

I just want to HUG her

Watching this video was the ultimate clincher for me to buy the book.  Helen's emotional speech is so genuine, I believe her 1000% and she has so much admiration for Jon and his anti-diet methods.

I listened to The Jon Gabriel Show podcast where Helen was a guest on the show and her story is amazing, I have so much admiration for her after everything she has endured and how she has been able to overcome her weight and health issues.

Perhaps now, as the word spreads about the Gabriel Method, people will stop being so judgmental and nasty toward others who carry too much weight.  I'm really sick of those "Biggest Loser" and "Dance Your @ss Off" TV shows, they only mock obesity and make money out of real people who have real problems.

The Gabriel Method

Almost my whole life, definitely throughout my whole adult life, I have been overweight.  The lowest point was when I walked into a Weight Watchers meeting in 2000 and stepped on the scales at 96.4kg.  Since that day I have battled with my weight loss and gain, changing from a size 18 to a 14 to a 16 to a 14 to an almost 12 to a 14 and now back to a 16 again.  I have joined WW countless times, fallen off the wagon every time and gained all or most of the weight back.  I even tried the Tony Ferguson program which I stuck with for about a month, lost around 4kg then gained it all back again.

If I add up all the weight I have lost over the last 10 years it would probably add up to more than 50kg.  What a waste of effort and money!

I stumbled across the Gabriel Method a few days ago while reading a naturopath's blog in Australia.  I went straight to the website and read all I could about it and I was hooked, I bought the book straight away.  This is what I have been looking for and I can't wait to get started.

My current weight is approximately 92kg.  I don't have bathroom scales because they do my head in, I only know roughly what I weigh because I used someone else's scales a few months ago.  Who knows, I could be heavier.  I guess I will have to weigh myself again when I have an opportunity, but it's not really important, I know that I am over 90kg and I am about to embark on a journey that will revolutionise a lifetime of eating habits.

xo Belinda